My journey has taken some detours this past year. Life is full of twists and turns and unexpected breakdowns. I am now a twice-divorced mom of 5 grown sons. I managed to hold out until my youngest sons were 18 and graduated. In hindsight, this was a mistake. Instead of creating a wholesome two parent family, I exposed my sons to behaviors that they know are wrong. All of my sons have been supportive of my decision to leave, and expressed that I should have left sooner...much sooner. I fooled no one, not even myself.
In addition, my parents are aging too soon and I find myself in the role of caregiver again. My dad is suddenly dealing with the devastating effects of Rheumatoid Arthritis. His lungs have hardened making even walking across the yard impossible. As well the doctors discovered blockages in his heart which they cannot operate on because of his lungs. He was forced to sell his cattle herd this spring. Mom's health is still fragile as she deals with the effects of the antirejection drugs. I have spent a lot of time with them, moving into their home part of the time.
So in one sense I gained my independence and lost it; gained it emotionally and mentally after leaving a harsh, selfish and unloving marriage; and lost it physically as I help my parents. As willingly as I have given up that freedom, it does take its toll. And there are days I wonder who will take care of me. Then I look up and know.
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